More Mourning

The event that I wrote about yesterday has become the third official scar that death has inflicted on me. I’ve experienced a lot of the same emotions that I did when Kyle died. I keep running the scenario through my mind and as Craig pointed out in a conversation we had a week ago, I bargain with God. “Wait that didn’t really happen. God I’ll give you xxxxxx if you just turn the clock back.”

I’ll be doing something during the day and then almost like I’ve forgotten for a split second, the dark reality of what has happened hits me again and I replay the tragic event over. I’ve thought about why Gabriel’s death has hit me so hard. I think it is in part because I know so many precious four year olds in my own life and the thought of that happening to Caleb, Ellie, Calla, Judah, Jack, Sutton, Jude, Avery, or Annie is horrifying. But I think that is how we empathize and enter into situations like that. We ask of ourselves how we would feel in the same situation. I’m sorry if you find that a bit bold, but I’m not in a bull-shitting mood tonight.

I study the problem of evil or more broadly providence quite a bit at seminary. It doesn’t seem to me that any answer really ever satisfies. Maybe that is why Job ends the way it does.

O God where are you now?

Ellie Wiesel located God in the gallows, hanging next to a Jewish boy who was slowly suffocating in a concentration camp.

When I think about Gabriel’s last couple of moments, I don’t see him running towards his death, I see him running into the arms of Jesus. Gabriel ran out the present and into the eternal. I see him doing all the things that four year olds love to do. And then I hear him being called by God. And God says to Gabriel, “Well done thy good and faithful servant. You demonstrated Me to those around you and you brought about joy in those in lives around you especially your parents and brothers and sister. They’ll be here soon Gabriel, but for right now I want you to begin to enjoy Me for all eternity.”

Gabriel knows nothing of our pain. For him perfect joy has just begun.

……interlude of thought……

Every time something like this happens I think the stakes get a little higher for me. I have all my eggs in one basket. Either the resurrection is true and everything about my existence makes sense or it is not and it does not.

Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

I Cor. 15:50-7

50 What I am saying, brothers and sisters,* is this: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. 51Listen, I will tell you a mystery! We will not all die,* but we will all be changed, 52in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53For this perishable body must put on imperishability, and this mortal body must put on immortality. 54When this perishable body puts on imperishability, and this mortal body puts on immortality, then the saying that is written will be fulfilled:
‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.’
55‘Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?’
56The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen